Deal With A Pathological Liar

 

I think at some point in our lives, we have come across a pathological liar. I have friends and clients that talk about how difficult it is to deal with a pathological liar. It isn't easy and takes a great deal of patience and skill.  Pathological lying refers to the behavior of someone who compulsively lies. It seems like every word that comes out of their mouth is a lie, and it is an addiction. One that is difficult to stop and one that is even more difficult to deal with.

 A pathological liar is someone who lies compulsively and without reason or benefit. They lie because it is all they know. Pathological lying may be a sign of an underlying mental health condition, such as a personality disorder. Pathological lying is a possible symptom of certain personality disorders, borderline personality disorder (BPD) narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) antisocial personality disorder (APD). In addition, most of them suffer from sever anxiety.

 Though this topic has not been studied as thoroughly as it should be, it is believed that they have deeply rooted issues that stem from childhood. People who did not get their needs met as children may begin lying as a coping mechanism, to get the love and reassurance they crave. Or they may internalize the message early on that they are not good enough, so they lie to hide what they see as unforgiveable personal flaws that make them unworthy of others’ love. This is also why many narcissists are pathological liars.

 Pathological liars are so used to lying that they don’t even know that they are doing it. Experts believe they may not know the difference between fact and fiction. What they do know is that it is very uncomfortable for them to tell the truth. Many of the lies these people tell might have a slight element of truth to them, however, keep in mind, not much. Truth is that their stories are beyond exaggerated to make them appear smarter, more attractive, have more power and be more certain of themselves.

They make up stories that sound real enough that people believe them. They then add more lies to back up the original lies. The lies they tell can be outlandish and easily disproved. For example, they love to change their history by falsely claiming to have received an award or did things that they never did, or have illness and injury they never had.  They like being made the hero or victim or both in their stories. They tend to tell lies that seem to be geared at gaining admiration, sympathy, and acceptance by others.

 Pathological liars are terrified of being “found out.” Even if all the evidence points to the fact that they are lying, they will continue to deny it to the end because telling the truth is so uncomfortable and being caught, well it just won’t happen. Don’t be surprised if they continue to lie regardless of how much evidence there is that they are lying. You need to remember if you catch a pathological liar you will not get far. In fact, when you confront the person with their lies, they will deny it and with more lies.

Pathological liars often believe their own lies so if you try to catch them, they will defend their lies and if you continue to try to catch them, their lies only get worse. That means you are creating the problem. So tuck your ego and frustration away because confronting them will not stop them, try to give up any expectation that you’ll make them see the truth, or admit you’re right and they’re wrong. You may be sorely disappointed. People need to understand the pathological liar is unapproachable and if you continue to try to catch them in the lies, that becomes the definition of insanity.

 People ask what they should do.  Number one is don’t take it personally and stop trying to catch them in their lies to prove you are right and they are wrong. Let it go! When you continue to confront them, it becomes about you and your ego, not your hurt, frustration and anger.  Just don’t take their lies to heart and when you know they are lying, give them no eye contact and change the topic. Stay calm! Don’t engage with lies. Just gently start a different conversation. Make sure you reach out to healthy people and get validation if you need to. They spend a great deal of time trying to confuse you, so seek validation of your history because they are thieves.

Remember that the pathological liar has no consciousness of how the lies make you feel. If they have any awareness, they do not care about your feelings as they are incapable of empathy, so you may want to try to set healthy boundaries and take care of yourself. It has nothing to do with you and you are allowed to grow. These people will not seek counseling, so be sure you get help if you feel you are overly frustrated. Gather tools that can help you walk the higher ground.  Most importantly, know that no one can rob you of your truth and that prevents you from walking in peace, so walk in peace.