Tyler Woods Ph.D

Meditation Bringing me Back to Me

 I had a series of deaths in the past few months; actually, within the first half of the year, I lost nine people and recently lost a very close and dear friend five days ago who died rather suddenly. I want to thank the people who have been supportive of this journey, my fluctuating moods and outbreaks, and their kind understanding and support. I thank those who understood how lost I felt and how distracted and angry I was.

 I took the time these past few days and thought I knew and understood that there is a continuous cycle of life, death, and rebirth. I remember being nine years old, and these missionaries convinced my parents that there are three places, or kingdoms, for people to go to in heaven. I recall a young missionary asking me what I thought about that. I had no idea where this came from, but I told him that I didn't believe that because I knew we would die and come back over and over. I knew the truth since I was nine years old. It did not go over very well.

 So why have these past five days been so difficult? I can barely remember what I said, little, long, take breaths, or make sense of anything. I kept reminding myself that when we love someone, we invest much of ourselves into the relationship. We have expectations that this person will always be there. Of course, they won't, so we grieve. It is natural to feel grief at the loss of important people in our lives. The cost of loving is grieving.

 I thank those who understood how I was feeling, how lost I was feeling, how distracted I was, and even angry at times. It began to trigger emotions and thoughts from the past. Oh no, I was suffering because I could not let go of my past! I quickly got back to meditation and chanting, and I began to feel like myself again. I felt balanced and somewhat grounded, though I am sitting here at 2 a.m. drinking coffee and writing when I should be sleeping!

 It made me think greatly of attachment. Buddhism teaches that attachment to the past can lead to suffering, and that path involves letting go of attachments, people, places, and events and being present in the very second. I understand that if we have regret, disappointment, and anger for years, we suffer. Am I grieving, or am I suffering?  I must say it is a little bit of both. Letting go of attachment is not easy and is not a one-time decision. I get that it is a day-to-day, moment-to-moment, second-to-second commitment that involves changing the way we experience and interact.

 So, what the hell does this have to do with my grief? It is about managing the pain and sorrow by staying in the now, not drifting off to the past, and staying in the very moment because the feelings will pass. I must remember that nothing is permanent. Fighting that reality will only cause me pain. Whatever I experienced as that 9-year-old about death and dying and religion, I had to let go of, though I do not think I ever clung to it, no one could demand that they knew the truth, and no one could say there would be no rebirth after we die. I had to get my head out of the past as the suffering it was creating was harming me and others.

 Welcome back, Tyler, because once I got back into my meditations and chanting, I felt like I got grounded. Those five days of living with profound emotional pain and even anger were tamed by my willingness and understanding that I needed to let go of everything and be in this moment. Of course, it all comes back to mindfulness; however, with grief and the profound loss, I was feeling mindless. In my meditation, I learned that I needed to focus on what I love, forgive my actions and others' actions, no matter how long ago, and create happiness instead of anger and suffering. I am no longer that nine-year-old girl being told what to believe in with death.

 I understand that death is not the end of life, it is merely the end of the body we inhabit in this lifetime. Nothing more, nothing less, it just is. I also get what we cling to; we will take it with us...It helps me work diligently on letting go of the past. Be here! I do not want to take my anger and hurts with me, but rather my learning experiences and peaceful mind. My friend's recent death took me on a 5-day journey that got me back to myself by being mindful of the moment.

I am still sad, which is normal, but thanks to meditation and the philosophies I follow, I am feeling better. I have begun to let go of my triggers from the past that make me suffer. I spent the night thinking about this, and I am grateful to know the people I lost. I am grateful for the trigger because I got to work on it and let it go. A funny thing happened when I felt lost and angry: I found myself and felt a little stronger.