Meditation Bringing me Back to Me

 I had a series of deaths in the past few months; actually, within the first half of the year, I lost nine people and recently lost a very close and dear friend five days ago who died rather suddenly. I want to thank the people who have been supportive of this journey, my fluctuating moods and outbreaks, and their kind understanding and support. I thank those who understood how lost I felt and how distracted and angry I was.

 I took the time these past few days and thought I knew and understood that there is a continuous cycle of life, death, and rebirth. I remember being nine years old, and these missionaries convinced my parents that there are three places, or kingdoms, for people to go to in heaven. I recall a young missionary asking me what I thought about that. I had no idea where this came from, but I told him that I didn't believe that because I knew we would die and come back over and over. I knew the truth since I was nine years old. It did not go over very well.

 So why have these past five days been so difficult? I can barely remember what I said, little, long, take breaths, or make sense of anything. I kept reminding myself that when we love someone, we invest much of ourselves into the relationship. We have expectations that this person will always be there. Of course, they won't, so we grieve. It is natural to feel grief at the loss of important people in our lives. The cost of loving is grieving.

 I thank those who understood how I was feeling, how lost I was feeling, how distracted I was, and even angry at times. It began to trigger emotions and thoughts from the past. Oh no, I was suffering because I could not let go of my past! I quickly got back to meditation and chanting, and I began to feel like myself again. I felt balanced and somewhat grounded, though I am sitting here at 2 a.m. drinking coffee and writing when I should be sleeping!

 It made me think greatly of attachment. Buddhism teaches that attachment to the past can lead to suffering, and that path involves letting go of attachments, people, places, and events and being present in the very second. I understand that if we have regret, disappointment, and anger for years, we suffer. Am I grieving, or am I suffering?  I must say it is a little bit of both. Letting go of attachment is not easy and is not a one-time decision. I get that it is a day-to-day, moment-to-moment, second-to-second commitment that involves changing the way we experience and interact.

 So, what the hell does this have to do with my grief? It is about managing the pain and sorrow by staying in the now, not drifting off to the past, and staying in the very moment because the feelings will pass. I must remember that nothing is permanent. Fighting that reality will only cause me pain. Whatever I experienced as that 9-year-old about death and dying and religion, I had to let go of, though I do not think I ever clung to it, no one could demand that they knew the truth, and no one could say there would be no rebirth after we die. I had to get my head out of the past as the suffering it was creating was harming me and others.

 Welcome back, Tyler, because once I got back into my meditations and chanting, I felt like I got grounded. Those five days of living with profound emotional pain and even anger were tamed by my willingness and understanding that I needed to let go of everything and be in this moment. Of course, it all comes back to mindfulness; however, with grief and the profound loss, I was feeling mindless. In my meditation, I learned that I needed to focus on what I love, forgive my actions and others' actions, no matter how long ago, and create happiness instead of anger and suffering. I am no longer that nine-year-old girl being told what to believe in with death.

 I understand that death is not the end of life, it is merely the end of the body we inhabit in this lifetime. Nothing more, nothing less, it just is. I also get what we cling to; we will take it with us...It helps me work diligently on letting go of the past. Be here! I do not want to take my anger and hurts with me, but rather my learning experiences and peaceful mind. My friend's recent death took me on a 5-day journey that got me back to myself by being mindful of the moment.

I am still sad, which is normal, but thanks to meditation and the philosophies I follow, I am feeling better. I have begun to let go of my triggers from the past that make me suffer. I spent the night thinking about this, and I am grateful to know the people I lost. I am grateful for the trigger because I got to work on it and let it go. A funny thing happened when I felt lost and angry: I found myself and felt a little stronger.

Emotional Immune System

 I recently did a post on social media and mentioned the emotional immune system. A few people wrote or messaged me and asked if there is really an emotional immune system, and I said, not only is there an emotional immune system, but there is also emotional inflammation, emotional diseases, so to speak. Emotions are part of who we are. They are there for better or worse. We ALL have an emotional immune system, which is basically a psychological mechanism that helps keep us resilient, and if we understand what it is, it can be strengthened to make us stronger physically, spiritually, and mentally.

 Emotional immune system is the foundation of emotional resilience. An emotional immune system is not just about having negative thoughts; it is about us learning to observe them and learning to live with them. I recently spoke of suicide being a complete depletion of the emotional immune system and I think it is important that we begin to recognize this wonderful system called the emotional immune system because we underestimate our abilities to weather emotional storms.

 We need to remember a few things about the emotional immune system, and the first one is mood affects our immune systems. Notice I said system. For instance, when we are always angry, we tend to have high blood pressure, skin problems such as eczema and heart attacks. Science has discovered when we experience anxiety it affects health concerns like heart disease, diabetes, respiratory issues, and concerns as well and thyroid problems. When we feel guilty, we have physical symptoms such as difficulties with sleep, stomach and digestion issues, and muscle tension.

 Did you know that one minute of anger can weaken the immune system for up to five hours? Imagine being angry for an hour, or all day, or for months or years! Not to worry because just like vitamin C can help strengthen the physical immune system, one minute of laughter can strengthen that system for up to 24 hours. I say that is an easy antidote for anger. No there is no such thing as toxic laughter like people believe being too positive is toxic, being optimistic or laughing is not toxic, so be positive, or I should say optimistic because positive has turned into a toxic thing these days so just laugh a lot and boost your immune system.

 We need to build our emotional immune system because it can cause emotional inflammation. I am celiac and cannot eat gluten or my joints get inflammation, and I am uncomfortable. It is the same with emotions, we can get them inflamed with things such as anger, guilt, shame, resentments, worry, and stress. We move slower because perhaps we are lacking sleep, or we are getting more irritable than normal or we feel low levels of energy and we start feeling helpless or even hopeless and we withdraw. This is what happens when our emotions are inflamed and not taken care of.

 Look we live in a world where there are a lot of emotional landmines such as wars, politics, gun violence, dividedness, financial issues, crime, relationship problems, and your cortisol is cascading like Niagara Falls. Ibuprofen won't stop this kind of inflammation but there are things you can do to help reduce the inflammation of emotions and build on that emotional immune system.

 A word we hear often is "I was triggered" and triggers deplete our emotional immune system and clearly affects our emotional inflammation. Triggers happen, however, if we are triggered, which are about memories or experiences that create a very powerful emotional reaction, remember to breathe and tell yourself you are right here and right now and are safe. Another thing that helps is to examine and try to change or at least shift beliefs that you’ve carried around from your family or society and then reprogram those negative beliefs. Of course, if you are triggered easily, and your emotional immune system is depleted, then counseling is a wonderful option.

 Another way to build the emotional immune system is try not to be perfect. I see it way too often people not achieving perfection and then they become despondent and depressed and angry at themselves. What we need to realize is we are enough in all we say and do. That's right, our imperfections are beautiful. We have been told from the beginning to be perfect. Get perfect grades, do everything perfectly and we have basically been brainwashed to work towards perfection and I must tell you, it steals our joy. I am a huge advocate of being the best we can be and that is not perfect. Just be you and embrace the mistakes.

 Try not to stuff your emotions! I understand that it is a habit we created, however, this shuts your emotions down. It is healthy to feel them. What is not okay is to allow it to deplete you. If an emotion comes up and you notice it is inflaming you or depleting you, then sit with it for a few and know that it will pass. Our emotions are impermanent, and they eventually subside. They are also motivators so find appropriate ways with peace and compassion to let the emotions out and free yourself from them. Stuffing emotions is like having a clogged artery so find and way to safely release and clear it.

 Of course, I believe mindfulness and staying in the moment is one of the best ways to regulate our emotional immune system. When we stay in the moment it allows us time to work on love, patience and compassion for self and others. It also gives us the opportunity to self-observe and practice self-understanding and insight. Here’s the thing, let’s say an emotion arises. Okay so just pause for a moment and allow yourself to bring awareness to your thoughts and reactions. This is part of mindfulness.

 Another part of mindfulness is to practice some form of meditation. Try not to let your emotions hold you hostage. It is so important to help calm and heal emotional inflammation and build resiliency and strengthen the emotional immune system. With meditation, we can try to experience and use the positive energy of each emotion. It also allows us to listen to what our emotions are saying and to reduce emotional inflammation. Go ahead, feel it, learn from it, release it, and boost that wonderful emotional immune system of yours so you can walk in peace.

Deal With A Pathological Liar

 

I think at some point in our lives, we have come across a pathological liar. I have friends and clients that talk about how difficult it is to deal with a pathological liar. It isn't easy and takes a great deal of patience and skill.  Pathological lying refers to the behavior of someone who compulsively lies. It seems like every word that comes out of their mouth is a lie, and it is an addiction. One that is difficult to stop and one that is even more difficult to deal with.

 A pathological liar is someone who lies compulsively and without reason or benefit. They lie because it is all they know. Pathological lying may be a sign of an underlying mental health condition, such as a personality disorder. Pathological lying is a possible symptom of certain personality disorders, borderline personality disorder (BPD) narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) antisocial personality disorder (APD). In addition, most of them suffer from sever anxiety.

 Though this topic has not been studied as thoroughly as it should be, it is believed that they have deeply rooted issues that stem from childhood. People who did not get their needs met as children may begin lying as a coping mechanism, to get the love and reassurance they crave. Or they may internalize the message early on that they are not good enough, so they lie to hide what they see as unforgiveable personal flaws that make them unworthy of others’ love. This is also why many narcissists are pathological liars.

 Pathological liars are so used to lying that they don’t even know that they are doing it. Experts believe they may not know the difference between fact and fiction. What they do know is that it is very uncomfortable for them to tell the truth. Many of the lies these people tell might have a slight element of truth to them, however, keep in mind, not much. Truth is that their stories are beyond exaggerated to make them appear smarter, more attractive, have more power and be more certain of themselves.

They make up stories that sound real enough that people believe them. They then add more lies to back up the original lies. The lies they tell can be outlandish and easily disproved. For example, they love to change their history by falsely claiming to have received an award or did things that they never did, or have illness and injury they never had.  They like being made the hero or victim or both in their stories. They tend to tell lies that seem to be geared at gaining admiration, sympathy, and acceptance by others.

 Pathological liars are terrified of being “found out.” Even if all the evidence points to the fact that they are lying, they will continue to deny it to the end because telling the truth is so uncomfortable and being caught, well it just won’t happen. Don’t be surprised if they continue to lie regardless of how much evidence there is that they are lying. You need to remember if you catch a pathological liar you will not get far. In fact, when you confront the person with their lies, they will deny it and with more lies.

Pathological liars often believe their own lies so if you try to catch them, they will defend their lies and if you continue to try to catch them, their lies only get worse. That means you are creating the problem. So tuck your ego and frustration away because confronting them will not stop them, try to give up any expectation that you’ll make them see the truth, or admit you’re right and they’re wrong. You may be sorely disappointed. People need to understand the pathological liar is unapproachable and if you continue to try to catch them in the lies, that becomes the definition of insanity.

 People ask what they should do.  Number one is don’t take it personally and stop trying to catch them in their lies to prove you are right and they are wrong. Let it go! When you continue to confront them, it becomes about you and your ego, not your hurt, frustration and anger.  Just don’t take their lies to heart and when you know they are lying, give them no eye contact and change the topic. Stay calm! Don’t engage with lies. Just gently start a different conversation. Make sure you reach out to healthy people and get validation if you need to. They spend a great deal of time trying to confuse you, so seek validation of your history because they are thieves.

Remember that the pathological liar has no consciousness of how the lies make you feel. If they have any awareness, they do not care about your feelings as they are incapable of empathy, so you may want to try to set healthy boundaries and take care of yourself. It has nothing to do with you and you are allowed to grow. These people will not seek counseling, so be sure you get help if you feel you are overly frustrated. Gather tools that can help you walk the higher ground.  Most importantly, know that no one can rob you of your truth and that prevents you from walking in peace, so walk in peace.