Understanding Family Dysfunction

I have worked in the field of psychology and social services for a very long time and have worked with a great deal with dysfunctional families. It is always interesting to me to see how family dysfunction can be passed down from generation to generation and what shapes the dysfunction can take.

One of the greatest questions I get is how do we deal with family dysfunction? I should be the expert on this as I came from a long line of dysfunction. I, like most people, feel my family puts the D in dysfunction, however, I am not terminally unique and know that many people have families that are dysfunctional.

I suppose it would be important to try to understand what family dysfunction is. Text books have been written about it, however in a quick nutshell, family dysfunction is a family where there is an abundance of conflict, but not just conflict but where these conflicts create misbehavior. These behaviors can turn into abuse, addictions, such as substance abuse, alcohol, drugs, prescribed medication, and very often an untreated mental illness. Dysfunctional families often live with lies, anger and confusion. There is often dysfunction in a family, however too much dysfunction turns into problems that can have a profound impact on family members.

In a functional or healthy family, you will find respect between all the family members. Treat the children with respect and the children treat the parents with respect. In a dysfunctional family respect is hardly ever found. So let’s look at what dysfunctional family.

* A parent and or child will show lack of empathy, understanding, and sensitivity towards certain family members.

* Denial such as refusing to acknowledge abusive or addictive behaviors.

* Lack of boundaries.

* Conflict such as verbal, spiritual, physical or sexual abuse.

* Unequal or unfair treatment of one or more family members due to their birth order, gender, age, sexuality.

* Using such as a destructively narcissistic parents who rules by fear and conditional love.

* A parents who use physical violence, or emotionally, or sexually abuse their children.

* Dogmatic or cult-like parents who are harsh and inflexible discipline with children not allowed, within reason, to dissent, question authority, or develop their own value system.

* Inequitable parenting such as going to extremes for one child while continually ignoring the needs of another.

* Deprivation is very abusive and is done by a parents using control or neglect by withholding love, support, necessities, sympathy, praise, attention, encouragement, supervision, or otherwise putting their children’s well-being at risk.

* Appeasement (parents who reward bad behavior—even by their own standards—and inevitability punish another child’s good behavior in order to maintain the peace and avoid temper tantrums.

* Loyalty manipulation giving unearned rewards and lavish attention trying to ensure a favored, yet rebellious child will be the one most loyal and well-behaved, while subtly ignoring the wants and needs of their most loyal child currently.

* Role reversal parents who expect their minor children to take care of them instead.

* Münchausen syndrome by proxy where the children are intentionally made ill by a parent seeking attention from friends, family, physicians and other professionals.

So how do you protect yourself from family dysfunction? It is important to understand that family is your first and most influential bond in your life so to start setting boundaries and taking care of yourself may seem difficult at first, but it gets easier. It is important to realize that when you were a child, you were helpless and that helplessness made you dependent on the people closest to you for survival even if those relationships are destructive instead of supportive. The family that supports you and gives you your needs already had certain tendencies before you even came to them. They had beliefs and attitudes and you grow, going along with these tendencies gives you what you need to survive, so you adapt and fit in to get your needs met.

As you grow older and more independent, you begin to realize the dysfunctional tendencies of the family no longer conducive to your lifestyle. By now, you might have learned that the dysfunctional family harmed your self-esteem and confused you. You come to terms that it causes havoc in all relationships in your life. The idea is not to get discouraged. Know that you can make change and this change will not happen overnight, but it will happen. It is vital that you keep in mind as you make the changes that it does not mean you are going to get along much better with your relatives. It simply means you are going to learn how to deal with their dysfunction and feel good about who you are. You will begin how to unravel the dysfunctional.

One of the first steps you need to take is to admit and accepting the family dysfunction and how it tends to take on a life of its own. The family remains dysfunctional because the family remains in denial of the dysfunction. Members and friends may make excuses for the dysfunction and enable family members. a So by accepting the family dysfunction, you admit that there is a problem.

One of the next steps is to realize that you will not be able to change your family. You will run in circles if you try. It’s impossible to change other people so focus on your own feelings and coping mechanisms. Look at how you want to change, what you need to change and how you want to change that. You can create these changes by setting boundaries.

Don’t deal with a dysfunctional family by yourself. See a counselor, life coach, psychospiritualist or support group to help you with your journey to deal with the dysfunction. It is important to know and learn you are not the only one and you may need a third party to help you sort things out and help you begin to build a tool chest for healing.

Finally start building your self esteem. Dysfunctional families have a tendency to rob people of self worth and esteem. Make sure you work on this by doing esteemable acts for yourself. In addition, make sure you show yourself compassion. Often there is no compassion in dysfunctional families and it is key to understanding the root of healing is through compassion of self and others.

Grief is a Journey Not a Mental Illness

I have run a grief group for over 16 years and I am forever getting people asking me if grief should be medicated. What a question. Grief is a journey not a Prozac deficiency. There has been much discussion among mental health professionals about the use of medication in the management of acute, normal grief. With the arrival of the new “improved” DSM5, grief is now going to be considered a mental health issue. So if you grieve the loss of a loved one, mental health experts may put on your medical records you have a mental health issue and are being treated for it.

I recall a friend of mine who grieved the loss of one of her parents. When it came time to getting a new job and new medical insurance, she was turned down for the medical insurance because her grief and medication she was on, was listed as a pre-existing condition. She was unable to not only get the medical insurance, the medication she was one, did not make her grief go away. She had to do what most people have to do when someone dies; grieve.

Grief is a journey, it is not a pathology. Grief is natural and normal. It is part of life. In fact, if people do not grieve over the loss of a very close loved one, I would think something is wrong with them. Grief is natural and it means you will wake up at 2:00am and not be able to sleep, and you will cry over spilled milk. Grief will make you forget your best friend’s name, and forget where you are going in your own house. That is grief. It is normal!

Grief is not a mental illness that requires harmful and in some cases addictive medications. It is sadness. It leaves a void in your heart, in your soul. This void cannot be healed with medication. It is important to know that if you medicate grief, you will still eventually have to deal with it once you decide to get off the medication, if you are not hooked on it already, or if they have not added even more medication. Here is the problem, you see anti-depressants take a long time to work; they rarely relieve normal grief symptoms. By the time these dangerous medication start to work, you might have discovered the value of the journey into grief.

Grief is a journey that we must travel. It reminds us that we lost someone we loved. It means we loved. It reminds us that our path in life is never is straight forward. It is a journey that teaches us how to live without someone. It is a journey that feels like a roller coaster ride. One minute we are okay, and the next minute we are plummeting downward sliding to an abyss wondering if we will ever come out, and the next minute, laughing at a joke someone told that isn’t even funny. Bottom line, grief is a normal part of living and feeling.

The new DSM would have us medicate grief. At least that is what the task force, who has financial ties with the pharmaceutical companies say. The DSM 5 would have you believe it is a treatable mental health condition. I cannot think of a more inhumane treatment for grief. To deprive people of the important participation in their grief is a just wrong. In fact, I would go as far as saying it is abusive.

If you are having problems with your grief, consult a natural mental health care counselor, talk through it. You can journal about your grief and put it on paper. There are many ways you can travel the path of grief, however, since you are not mentally ill, and grief is not a pathology, rather a natural emotion, it is VITAL that you find natural ways to cope with your grief and walk into your journey. 

Antidepressant Use on the Increase

A new study has established that the most commonly prescribed medication, antidepressants, have doubled from 1996 to 2005. Researchers have determined that 13-million people were prescribed an antidepressant in 1996. This number skyrocketed to 27 million by 2005 confirming that antidepressant use is on the increase.

It appears that the medical world is moving towards treating depression through prescription drugs rather than through psychiatric therapy. Olfson and Marcus, lead authors of the study, state that, “There’s being a greater emphasis placed on medications rather than psychotherapy in treating mental health problems.” But he had no idea that antidepressant use would double.

“Not only are more U.S. residents being treated with antidepressants, but also those who are being treated are receiving more antidepressant prescriptions,” the researchers wrote. According to IMS Health, over 164 million antidepressant prescriptions were given in 2008, totaling over $9.6 billion in U.S. sales. This substantiates that antidepressant use on the increase. 

“During this period, individuals treated with antidepressants became more likely to also receive treatment with antipsychotic medications and less likely to undergo psychotherapy,” Olfson and Marcus wrote.

The survey did target why more antidepressants were being prescribed, but the researchers proposed that it has become socially acceptable to be treated for depression, although the availability of new drugs may also play a role. Although there was little change in total promotional spending for antidepressants between 1999 ($0.98 billion) and 2005 ($1.02 billion), there was a marked increase in the percentage of this spending that was devoted to direct-to-consumer advertising, from 3.3 percent ($32 million) to 12 percent ($122.00 million),” the researchers wrote.

Dr. Eric Caine, of the University of Rochester, was disturbed by these findings.

“Antidepressants are only moderately effective on population level,” Caine, who was not involved in the research, noted that many studies have shown that therapy is often more effective than drug use alone. “There is no data to say that the population is healthier. Indeed, the suicide rate in the middle years of life has been climbing,” he said. Not only is antidepressant use on the increase, so is suicide.

In 2003, clinical trials showed that antidepressant drugs actually increased the risk of suicidal thoughts in children and teens, yet the drugs continued to be prescribed at increasing rates. Finally in February 2005, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration gave its strongest warning against the use of antidepressants for children and teens. Studies further suggest that be cautious about prescribing antidepressants to children.

Researchers have concluded that antidepressant use is on the increase and does not appear like it will be declining anytime soon.

Do Emotions Cause Illness?

It is difficult at times to look at emotions and say, “What are your emotions and how do they work?” Well you could look at emotions like energy in motion. Twirling and swirling around. You see, our emotions are energy and they are always in motion. We all know that our bodies are made up of molecules, and of course molecules are made up of atoms and yes atoms, protons, neutrons and electrons and they all twirl around each other in a wonderful dance. We may look solid but the truth is our bodies are just like all matter which means, we are energy moving at different rates resulting in something that we see and call solid. The fact is however, we are not solid. The molecular substance of our bodies is actually quite subject to thought and emotion.

Emotions operate on various stages. They have a physical aspect, a psychological aspect and a spiritual aspect. Emotions bridge thoughts, feelings, and actions are there to let us know how things are going in our lives. When our emotions are positive and free flowing, (meaning allowing emotions to be felt and expressed without resistance) then it raises the movement within the cells of our bodies and the cellular aspect of the body more fluid and freely flowing. When our emotions are negative, the cells in our body slow down and create a vacuum for illness and disease.

With all that in mind, let’s ask the question, does emotions cause or worsen illness? Of course you know the answer, and that is yes, but I think we need to recognize that it’s not so much the emotion itself that causes illness but what we do with the emotion, or in many cases, what we don’t do with the emotions.

You see in American culture we carry a great deal of judgment and resistance to emotions and we normally call them good or bad. Happiness and joy is good, anger, fear and sadness is bad. We fail to look at these emotions are natural and normal. We are taught as small children to avoid certain emotions, to deny they are there, or cover them over with material things or things to do. We are taught at a young age, distractions.

But the truth is, distraction is not immune to our physical self and because we avoid these emotions, we then begin to internalize. Once we internalize them, we have stored these emotions and if not released, they create issues. I call this if there is an issue it is in the tissue.

It is said that 95% of all illness has an emotional component. In fact, science has now established that when you are in a state of distress and disharmony, your cells produce toxic chemicals that tend to deteriorate and degenerate the body.

Now I am not saying that hereditary or environmental factors don’t contribute to certain conditions or ailments, however, the emotional history and patterns of behavior over time does play very strong role with a person’s physical condition.

You see we need to understand that emotions are the very foundation on which we build our existence. Emotions not only inspire us, they truly can limit us as well. When emotions are repressed or we distract ourselves from our emotions, the body’s natural defenses become confused and disrupted which then creates a sort of physical internal chaos. So releasing certain negative emotions can cause a shift in your energy freeing up energy blocks in your system. However, if you do not release the emotions, then illness can occur.

I am reminded of a forty-six year old female who was a grief counselor. She had lost her mother to cancer and she was unable to process her emotions because she felt she had to be strong for her clients as well as for her family. She was aware that emotions affected your physical body as much as your body affects your feelings and thinking. However, rather than looking at it, she wrapped herself in her work and chose not to apply this to herself. She soon became angry and bitter about the loss. She began to start having physical symptoms that brought her to the doctors. After several tests, the doctor concluded that this woman was a diabetic.

She was unable to find the sweetness in life because she could not deal with her emotions around her mother’s death and the circumstances that surrounded it, thus it manifested in her pancreas. (by the way her mother died from pancreatic cancer) The pancreas does represent the sweetness of life and unresolved issues surrounding bitterness often manifest with diabetes.

When a person has stress or disharmony even unresolved grief, they express negative emotions that literally create toxic chemicals in the cells of the body. This causes the body to be in a state of degeneration and stagnation. Once the body is in this state, it become susceptible to attract viruses, harmful bacteria, and long term disease such as diabetes, heart problems and yes even cancer.

You see, when you are stressed out or perhaps you carry negative emotions such as anger, resentment, disliking and impatience. These emotions cause you to tense up and this tensing up can cause our biological processes to be impaired. So things such as transporting nutrients, hormone production, elimination, digestion, cell regeneration and rain function can become disrupted leading to a gradual deterioration in your whole system.

Another good example of how unexpressed emotions can create illness or disease is the story of a woman in her forties had a tumor in her right breast. She had a twenty-five year old son living with her and a very needy husband. She worked every day and came home and took care of her husband and son. No one helped her with the household chores and both men in her life were extremely needy. She began to harbor resentment and anger but never told them how she was feeling. She went to see a holistic healer who had told her that the men in her life were emotionally breast feeding from her to get nourishment and she was not nourishing herself. She was told she would need to assert herself. She began to assert herself with her husband and son and stopped nursing them so much. Within months she went for another mammogram. The results had shown that there was no tumor-not even a trace. Problems with breasts can often mean that the person is not nourishing or nurturing themselves.

The mind and body are closely connected and one affects the other in ways that can either can harm or heal. The body responds to the way we think, act and feel. The emotional, neurological, and immune systems are all wired together. So when habits such as not taking care of yourself or negative and unresolved thoughts and feelings come up but remain unaddressed, a hormonal response is induced and an uncomfortable state of "dis-ease" begins.

In fact, when emotional health is unattended one may experience all sorts of physical complaints such as back or chest pain, extreme fatigue, insomnia, palpitations, sweating, weight gain or loss. The complaints however can become disease such as heart attack, strokes, and cancer. This is because emotions are rooted in deep C wiring, and can have a negative effect to the internal chemical environment. AKA, if there’s an issue it’s in the tissue. So you see our thought patterns and belief systems effect the health of our body.

Keep in mind that your mind may repress painful emotions and memories, but the body remembers it all, and it always tells the truth! It is called cellular memory and basically what this means is that though the emotion or memory isn’t part of our consciousness, past experiences or memories are stored in the body and have a powerful effect on how you behave and how you feel about yourself. If one brings these unconscious feelings and memories into awareness, one stands a great chance of healing and preventing not only physical illness but emotional health such as depression and anxiety.

Be careful with what you say and think as well. Statements like “It just worried me sick” or “It ate through me like a cancer” and “It broke my heart” are expressions we use that hint at the mind/body connection. Have you ever wondered if there really is any basis for these sayings? 

Psychoneuroimmunology (PNI) is telling us yes, our emotions can affect our immune system causing illness. PNI by definition is a multidisciplinary field, involving psychologists, neuroscientists and immunologists. This field looks at the scientific data on the interaction of the nervous and immune systems as well as the impact of behavior and psychological functioning. In short, PNI is based on we are what we think.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that can change their biology by what they think or feel and according to research, exposure to stressful life experiences has been associated with changes in the immune system. In addition, experts have noticed that illness has many positive rewards. Ever notice when someone becomes sick they receive cards, flowers and gifts? Often people who are ill will gain praises from family and loved ones. In fact, sickness gives us permission to do things that we would not do otherwise. It makes it easier to say no to unwelcome people, burdens, and job demands in our lives. Being sick or not feeling good allows us to take time to rest, stay in bed, reflect, and gives us permission to relax. It also gives us permission to be loved because we attain a great amount of emotional support when we are sick.

By attempting to stay healthy, learning to give yourself permission to take time out for yourself, and building up your immune system, people have a head start in preventing illness and disease. So as you can see the mind and the body are clearly connected and what we think affects how we feel and how we feel effects health. 

5-Htp Mood Enhancer Nature’s Serotonin

5-HTP (compound 5-hydroxytryptophan) is a derivative of the amino acid tryptophan. A mood-enhancing chemical, it has gained a great deal of respect lately because of its ability to decrease depression. Unlike other supplements and prescribed drugs that have molecules too large to pass from the bloodstream into the brain, molecules of 5-HTP are small enough to do so. Once in the brain, they’re converted into an important nervous system chemical, or neurotransmitters called serotonin.

5-HTP is the intermediate metabolite of the essential amino acid L-tryptophan which was taken off the market in 1989 because 27 people died from it (over 250,000 people die each year from prescribed pharmaceuticals). Unlike tryptophan, 5-HTP cannot be converted to kynurenine; so it can easily cross the blood brain barrier. While only three percent of an oral dose of tryptophan is converted to serotonin, over seventy percent of an oral dose of 5- HTP is converted to serotonin. Today, 5-hydroxytrptophan is considered a safer and more effective treatment for these conditions. In addition it is much cheaper than L-tryptophan.

5-HTP causes an increase in levels of endorphin and other neurotransmitters that are often decreased in cases of depression. 5-HTP also increases serotonin levels. Thus, it is much more effective for depression. In fact, numerous studies have shown that 5- HTP has equal effectiveness compared to drugs like Prozac, Paxil, and Zoloft (SSRIs) and tricyclic antidepressant drugs like imipramine and desipramine in terms of effectiveness, therefore tryptophan and especially 5-HTP, should not be used by anyone taking any of these drugs or not to be used with Saint John’s Wort. 5-HTP may also be helpful in some cases of compulsive carbohydrate overeating, alcohol addiction and compulsive gambling (specific forms of OCD), as well as for insomnia. Reported side effects include nausea, vomiting, and difficulty breathing. High doses of 5-HTP can cause agitation, fast heart rate, a boost in blood pressure.

Numerous clinical trials have studied the efficacy of 5-HTP for treating depression. One compared 5-HTP to the antidepressant drug fluvoxamine and found 5-HTP to be equally effective. Researchers used the Hamilton Depression Rating Scale and a self-assessment scale to gauge the effectiveness of the two medications. Both scales revealed a gradual reduction in depressive symptoms through time with both medications. Perhaps the most convincing evidence, however, comes from scientists who examined research from around the world on the use of 5-HTP in treating depression. One such researcher, writing in Neuropsychobiology, sums up the findings this way: "Of the 17 reviewed studies, 13 confirm that 5-HTP has true antidepressant properties." (David Wolfson, N.D.)

The effective dose of 5-HTP appears to be between 50 and 500 mg daily.3 Used in combination with other antidepressant substances, however, the effective dose may be even lower. Research shows that some people respond better to lower doses, so I recommend beginning at the low end of the dose range and increasing as necessary. Side effects associated with therapeutic doses of 5-HTP are rare.

SAM-e Working Well for Depression

Big news SAM-e (pronounced sammy), otherwise known as S-Adenosylmethionine is really working for depression and other physical/.emotional conditions.    SAM-e is not an herb but a compound that our bodies produce from methionine, which is an amino acid found in protein-rich foods.

SAM-e has demonstrated positive results in treating major depression. Controlled studies found that 70 percent of depressed people responded to SAM-e just as well as many established drug treatments for depression. So what is the SAM-e secret?

It appears that SAM-e can increase levels of important neurotransmitters, such as serotonin, norepinephrine, dopamine and phosphatidylserine, therefore increasing the fluidity of brain cell membranes. This can affect the way brain cells receive and transmit neurotransmitters, such as serotonin. SAM-e also detoxifies the brain and is now being studied in the detoxification and rehabilitation of opiate abusers.

How does SAM-e differ from Saint John’s Wort? When Saint John’s Wort came on the market, people tossed out their prescriptions of Zoloft, Paxil, and Prozac, hoping for an herbal "cure" for depression. Disappointment followed when many of those depressed people did not find relief in the "miracle herb." Of course, not all recognized that Saint John’s Wort is for mild depression.

People on Prozac or other prescribed anti-depressants are probably not mildly depressed. Researchers claim the major difference with SAM-e is it can help with major depression. SAM-e is also beneficial with other conditions, such as arthritis, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, liver disorders, chronic back aches and migraine headaches.

Be aware that SAM-e is expensive: Average price is about $25 (US) per bottle, and to receive the minimum dose. Take 400 mg of SAMe twice a day. It is very important that you to take a high-quality vitamin B complex supplement along with SAMe. To prevent insomnia, don’t take SAMe late in the day. Most people report a mild energy boost with the supplement.

Don’t take SAMe with MAO inhibitor antidepressants. SAMe is best absorbed on an empty stomach, so try to take it about one hour before or two hours after meals. If nausea or heartburn begin be sure to take it with plenty of water. With any form of depression it is important to understand that prescribed drug treatment, or herbals and supplements alone cannot cure depression. Nutrition, exercise and spirituality all go hand-in-hand with treating depression.